::..sAYinG It oUT LOuD..::

monitorlizzie

I was scaring a number of people at the exam hall today. It was fun while it lasted.

So yes, it's true. I am allergic to Dettol, and probably all other antiseptic stuff. Should've known from my operation a couple of years back when I was allergic to the dressing over my stitches.

Apparently, applying Dettol cream aggravated the burn and made my wound a lot worse. So yup, my arm is now all bandaged up. I think it hurts more now than before I had it bandaged. I had dunno-what-cream oozing out from the edges of the bandage during my exam. And I never knew how hard it was to write when you can't move your wrist. I'm now typing like how I was taught to play the piano properly (staccato excepted). Without moving the wrists. I also have to keep it away from getting wet and go back to change the dressing tomorrow.

It was a chore explaining to the 101 reefers before and after the exam though. It became shorter and shorter until I simply said I had a bad burn and am allergic to Dettol. HAHA. Also, I can't drink cos it could make the rash flare up. What a way to celebrate the end of my exams. My last ever exam paper probably. I went to 2nd degree for awhile, but I didn't stay long. I felt a bit sad that I may not see many of them ever again. But I love hugs, and I got plenty today. Ish also left for home today. So sad. It's back to no one eating my prawn heads again. =( He said "see you in brunei when you visit your bf!" Haha. Yeah, I will.

Since I can't really take part in any celebratory outings, I'm just meeting Ozzie and Sal at Indro for dinner and just to walk around. I also pulled out from my very own birthday celebration at Wet n' Wild/Gold Coast (how pathetic). Funny how things work, hey? The only year after so long when I can finally celebrate my birthday with friends, and I'm just fated not to. Itzokayh. At least I've got a pizza dinner tomorrow, and shopping at DFO before I leave. I guess I'll have more time to stay home to clean and pack up!

Oh, what to do with my Smirnoff now?

I didn't even mention how my exam went! To the people who teased me for being such an undergraduate by doing past year questions, I'm so so soooo glad I did them. Cos it was pretty much a combination of 2007 and 2008 paper. Although Sophie's biology section was just "HEH?". Her hint for one of the questions was: "Fishermen are not photosynthetic". How weird! Anyway, what's wrong with being an undergrad? Why must you discriminate and look down on undergrads?

couchpotato

And so the exams are over.  Another cycle has completed- only to return next year.  Of course yes, I am having fun but this time I want it to be different- I want to make every day well spent.

There's this med student- she's a senior- I don't know her personally but I am on her emailing list for volunteer work- the sheer effort she puts into protecting the vulnerable and fighting injustice in this city Melbourne is just... mind-blowing that she would actually bother- and she does it her own way.  So admirable!  I want to be like her!

And I just watched the Hillsong United film 'We're All In This Together'.  Frankly from the point of view of a merciless film critic, the film would have not garnered much rave reviews.  But I really took away these points from the film:

1. A lot of change, revolutionary change in this world was done by the youth- I had no idea the William Wilberforce started fighting slavery around the age of 26!  (He persisted fighting slavery for 40+ years- man that IS long!)

2. A lot of change was done via revolution- i.e. drastic change with lots of sacrifice.

3. Until we do something, nothing will be done. (I used to think that change WILL come- and its up to us whether we want to be a part of it or not- but if all of us thought that way and just waited...)

As a friend said- it all seemed very surreal that we stepped right back into the culture of consumerism (cliche cliche), of gratifying my wants NOW and the idea that it's all about me after watching such human desolation and poverty.  Hmmm...  I have to admit I am one of those who perpetuate the culture.

Sometimes I can despair over the fact that what I am currently doing is pretty insignificant- not that I despise the small things- but sometimes I do wonder if I am not spending my time and energy at the right things.  I guess I have to spend more time seeking Him as to where He wants me to go.

I look at my beloved Malaysia- and I think I have become too accepting of a few issues in Malaysia- I need not mention them.  The thing is- things CAN change- it is about how far we are willing to go make the necessary changes...

If you find yourself having nothing to do- just look at your own backyard (not literal) and see how much change needs to sweep this place- it's up to you whether you want to be a part of it or not.

I really do not want to regret living life not investing in things that outlast my lifetime on this earth.

I think it'll be so cool to work in rescue teams that rescue little girls from brothels- lots of courage needed!

So this I pray will be the underlying theme of what I want to spend my holidays doing. I just need to get over the biggest obstacle- myself- and my stupid insecurities that makes me think that I am not good enough to do what God has called me to do.  I just feel- ah- unsatisfied right now.  I don't know how to quite put this into words.

I should be Linus.

Instead, I'm worrying about everything under the sun at the moment. Gone were the days when post-exams means hanging out with friends and fun. I foresee a gloomy next sem if Shim doesn't make it here.

Onto happier stuff, the bottom of the Christmas tree is getting more and more colourful and cluttered by the day. That makes me happy, although I probably just have ONE present. Haha. I love lights and anything that glows. And having Trinity tell me she wants to get me a present although I said she doesn't have to makes me smile. She doesn't think I'm a small kid anymore (took her like 10 months to realise that?) but instead calls me a teenager. AHAHA. Slowly but surely.

Since the whole Alexi Murdoch song only consists of 2 words - Shine and Love, that's the title.

monitorlizzie

Hello. It's been awhile.

Tonight I got a call from a bunch of friends, might or might not have been a drunk dial. But oh my gosh, they made me feel so bad, right to the core. A number of my friends are leaving for good, and tonight was supposed to be a farewell thingy for them. Problem is, while everyone has been off uni-duties for about a week now, I've yet to sit for my only paper, which is on Thursday. Tonight's bad storm is just another indicative sign that I should not be out bar-hopping merely a day plus before my 55%-worth paper.

I know I shouldn't be taking this so seriously, but there were just a couple of things that sounded as if they could see right through me. Reverse psychology and talks about "think it through, ask yourself if you're doing the right thing and make the right decision" made me wonder what I'm really doing. Do not make fun of my studying for exams and doing past year papers as "such an undergrad thing" though. Even after how I achieved realisation of what I've become, I still said I can't go out. Meh.

From taht call, I did realise that maybe I'm not quite myself. I probably haven't been recently. I'm usually the kind who'd have fun, but although I had 2 weeks to study, I've been saying no to outings and stuff for that long, and the 2-3 weeks before that when I still had my major assignments. I haven't been out on the usual weekend outings for more than a fortnight. The last time I was at a bar or the last time I watched my favourite Brissy live band was when Sal just got back after her Raya break. It's been THAT long.

Throughout the years, high school, college and uni, right smack in the middle of my exams, and I'd still drag someone out for a movie and stuff. I'd always thought taking a break off work for a few hours was fine and would do me more good than staying cooped indoors. So whatever happened this semester? My close friends are leaving for good, and all I want to do is stay indoors. Alone. I think I'm becoming a stingy recluse. And I don't think it's that temporary. Plus, I admit I'm quite bummed that I may not to keep my GPA and get that uni award I got last sem. It's no biggie, but I do get quite disappointed knowing this sem will probably pull my GPA down a bit even though its a bio-based semester, which is meant to be my forte. I hate competition. But without that I wouldn't bother trying so hard in UQ, would I? Especially since I already have a GPA score I didn't expect from last sem. The competitive streak in me keeps telling me I must maintain my grades.

I'm not exactly losing my mind staying home. That's new. I actually enjoy being home, on my bed, with the laptop on my brekkie table, only leaving the room for the bare essentials and to watch the simpsons.

And I must admit I haven't been publicly blogging for some time because I'm comfy being a hermit. I've had on and off bouts of minor-depression from studying, my burns, possible infections (which scarily look like ringworm now),  other long-term health problems, stupid doctors, not getting an doctor's appointment till end of nov, after-exam-party invites, my birthday plan for wet n' wild and gold coast which I might just have to cancel, and all the planning about trips and all when I'm back.

I think I've been drowing myself with work, work-outs, and just being in my rather-comfy room that I haven't realised that all the jacaranda and flowers are gone, and all the little stuff I'm so used to observing and finding joy in. I miss being truly happy, you know? I'm not exactly down in the dumps, but I do miss being genuinely smiley and happy. Right now, I'm just looking forward to the day I'm home. I can't wait to be myself again. I'm quite fed up of having work/study/money excuses for not going out, especially when the weather is currently so pleasant to be at the beach, barbies, picnics, watching the sunset on the citycat, riverside running, and everything I love. I guess it's a matter of finding myself again. I have to find what makes me happy. Am I going the right direction in life. Stuff like that. Me being pensive. Haha. Not sure if it's a normal thing.

I must say it's been good that I've been chanelling all these vented up energy through work-outs though. I've been doing push-ups, crunches, dips, lunges, running - all the usual stuff. I'm starting to get a bit of my arm muscles - biceps, triceps stuff again. Which is a good indication of how I'm back to my fitter self when I used to play tennis.

Also, music always helps. Thank you Queen. Thank you Beatles. Across the Universe always makes me feel grateful for everything I have and remind me that each and everyone of us is always loved.

And Jack's Mannequin too. Especially with songs like "Swim".

couchpotato

Nope this is not about unshaved armpits.

I was just thinking.  I don't think I am an intrinsically good person.  (I do not want to get into a debate about people's original nature...  this is not what I am about to talk about.)

Compared to others, I have to work harder at being nice.  Come to think of it, I was never a nice kid.  I troubled everyone without a second thought, but I hated it when people troubled me a trifle bit.  I am still like that.

All you benovelent people out there- stop making me feel bad!  Why are you all so good-natured?  You think of nice things to do for other people.  You do not hold grudges against people.  You talk to everyone ever so courteously, ever so funnily, ever so caringly.  You would never lash out on anyone, deserving or not.  You willingly and freely give everything that you have, sharing without calculating the losses incurred.  Your disposition is so pleasant that I could dunk your head in ice-cold water and hold you down for 2 minutes without you doing anything to merit it and you will still thank me for it.

Alright, the last sentence was a definite exaggeration.  But it's close enough I think.

I think being nice/good is a talent, like how some people are better at painting or sports, and how people are not that great in singing or at writing.

For me it is a conscious action, something that I almost have to 'slog' at.  I know that it's not a lone effort, and yes I should let God change me.  But...  you still (I believe) have to practise before you can be truly nice/good... and that is the hard part.  I mean, how can God change me truly if I don't put it into action?

And that is why I work hard at it.  Because this is the one thing I do want to be good at and matters to me most, unlike my many failed attempts to be good at other things.

couchpotato

the eternal struggle ensues.

couchpotato

Today's paper frazzled me.  I tried to take a nap but could not sleep until I made myself stop thinking about the paper.

Urrrgghhh this feeling of helplessness and having to depend on God.  What a blend of feelings!

Hope everyone's keeping alive and well!

couchpotato

Have you ever heard of Tommy Cooper?  He was a famous stand-up comedian of the second half of the 20th century.  Anyway was checking out his Wikipedia entry and found out he died on stage.  So curiosity got the better of me (against my better judgement) and I went and watched the video when he slumped and died while performing a magic/comedic act.  Regret!  Not a happy video to watch.  It's on Youtube if you're curious, but trust me, you won't make yourself feel better watching it.

I've been thinking about all the tricks that I've played on people throughout my life, and unfortunately, I think 90% of the time I have pissed people off with it instead of eliciting a laugh from them.  I always either pick a tactless, probably even tasteless, trick, or I pick the wrong person, or I pick the wrong time.

I've tried:

1. (This is my most famous trick- though not sensational, it's pretty daring for someone like me.)  I chalked my teacher's seat and wrote 'No Parking' on it with a bunch of friends (the idea came from Malory Towers and the Bookworm Club), and my teacher duly sat on it without knowing.  I think some of us nearly wanted to die from choked laughter after the class was over, seeing 'No Parking' flash on my teacher's behind like that.

That kind of thing appealed to my impish 12-year old mind.

2. Then I tried this lame joke- I put glue on one side of the coin, and stuck it to the ground at school.  I asked Li Leng (she was a Form 5 senior while I was in Form 2) to pick it up- which she duly did.  The coin was supposed to stick on the floor but it didn't, instead the glue from all my efforts spilled all over her hands.  Screams to be heard.

Now it isn't very funny.  But I thought it was then.  Weird.

3. This was when I decided I officially sucked at planning tactful, safe, funny tricks.  Michelle and I thought it would be a shame to let April Fool's last year just pass by like that.  So we THOUGHT it would be funny to pretend Michelle was in hospital after an accident, and to get a bunch of my hostel mates to actually go there.

Now I KNOW it's not funny.  But I don't know why my sense of humour was so warped.

Anyway people did fall for it.  But woah- were some of them angry after they found out...

This is why I think I'll have to retire (more like I was fired) from my practical pranking on other people.  Apparently I'm not very funny.

I wonder why I have such a penchant of doing such things- it's either because I have been tricked so many times, of course not harmfully, by other people, or because there's just something about tricking others that gives you that self-superior sense of yourself- that you can beguile people into falling into your trap.

But I do like people who laugh at themselves after they get tricked and find out, and that was what made me do it... last time

My last proper paper tomorrow!  (I have two exams after that, just that this involves lots of writing and memory work and imagination.  God, You better help me out here because I am rather dumb without You.)